time in a bottle

Time:

3:07 pm.

I find myself not feeling very well. Maybe it has something to do with me being up during the day. I find I do much better when I'm up all night and sleep during the day. It's like the world overwhelms me during the day even when I stay inside and go no where. At night there's the feeling that all is shut down and asleep, and it's easier for me to take. I think my situation, aside from my health, is at least partly due to the 100 percent rejection rate in my life from any female I was interested in, and almost the same rejection rate from people I just wanted to hangout with. There seems to be three reasons why I'm in the state I'm in. One is not feeling well. Two is social rejection. Three is not making the most of what I've been capable of doing, so I must take responsibility. I probably could have done better than I have. In terms of the social aspect, I remember when I was a kid, and I was sleeping over at a friend's house with a few other guys. We had just gotten back to the friend's house after being out. The friend was talking on the phone with a girl that had been out at the same place as us. For the sake of interest, the girl was asked on a scale of 1 to 10 how she would rate us guys. She rated all the guys other than me at something like an 8 or 9. She was pretty generous and would try and give the most positive response possible. She gave me a 5 if I correctly recall. After the friend had gotten off the phone, he told me that she had told him to say 5, but that she only went that high to not hurt my feelings. She would have gone lower than that if she would have been completely honest. I knew then as I know now that one person's opinion is just that, and that it doesn't mean it's a fact. Even knowing that I still couldn't shake the suspicion that it was a fact. The girls up until that point had never shown much interest in me. It's interesting how something that would usually be a rather small and insignificant thing can be a defining moment in how a person sees them self in the eyes of others. From that point on, I knew I was below average. How a person looks is a big factor not only in determining their social acceptance but also their financial status and opportunities. An ugly person must be that much better to compensate. Now I never needed anyone to tell me I was ugly for me to know it. When nobody you've ever been interested in wants anything to do with you and you're my age and don't even know what it's like to have someone hit on you or come on to you, that's a pretty good sign. Even the most average or even below average looking people have their share throughout their life of people expressing interest in them. Anyways, I'm 28 now, and I don't look forward to my 30s. The older you get, the harder it gets when you haven't already made anything of yourself. I've seen broken down and messed up ugly aging guys. Most of them are hard drinking smoking types who have a toughness about them and an ability to adapt to misfortune. I'm not like that. I'm too weak.

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Time:

1:46 am.

I'm posting this on request from Kassi.

1) Are you currently in a serious relationship? No, I'm not in any kind of relationship

2) What was your dream growing up? to be a great basketball player until I became a teenager and started getting into music; at that time, I wanted to be a great guitar player

3) What talent do you wish you had? I would like to further develop the ones I have or discover ones I didn't know I had

4) If I bought you a drink what would it be? tea or root beer

5) Favorite vegetable? my favorites are corn, green beans, jalapeno peppers, and potatoes

6) What was the last book you read? the last book I read from was America's Great Depression

7) What zodiac sign are you? I don't know

8) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where. no on both

9) Worst Habit? too many to name, I'm not sure which is the worst one

10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride? not if I didn't know you; if I did know you, still probably not and would instead tell you I saw you on the street the next time I saw or talked to you

11) What is your favorite sport? I like lots of sports with the exception of baseball; it's not that I just don't like baseball, I actually actively despise it; I rarely watch sportscenter during this time of year just to avoid seeing baseball highlights; I wouldn't mind if baseball players went on strike, well, forever; my favorite sports would be football and basketball

12) Do you have a Negative or Optimistic attitude? I'm a hopeful pessemist

13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me? if I didn't know you,I would do the same thing I would do if I were in the elevator alone; I'm not a very sociable person and would assume you were not either; if I knew you, I would of course say something to you

14) Worst thing to ever happen to you? I'm not sure

15) Tell me one weird fact about you. I'm 28 and I've never been on a date

16) Do you have any pets? I have a dog named Martha and there's a cat that lives here that we feed; it's been living here for almost 2 years, so I guess it's ours now; we just call it kitty

17) What if i showed up at your house unexpectedly? I would probably be asleep

18) What was your first impression of me? it depends on who you are; if you're Kassi, I thought you were very interesting and easy to be around; I like your piano playing

19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary? they're annoying

20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be? I'm a train wreck as far as that goes; I've got something in mind, but I won't type it here

21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience? conscience, although you may be able to get me in to trouble if you try hard enough

22) What color eyes do you have? blue

23) Ever been arrested? no

24) Bottle or can soda? bottle

25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it? whatever I wanted to; I would probably save most of it and try and figure out how to turn it into more

27) What's your favorite place to hang at? I don't have a place I really hang at

28) Do you believe in ghosts? it depends on what you mean by ghosts; I do believe in spiritual things

29) Favorite thing to do in your spare time? play music, look stuff up on computer, watch tv, think, read books, eat-whatever can be done at home

30) Do you swear a lot? not a lot

31) Biggest pet peeve? when it rains, and the weather people on television act like it's a natural catastrophe

32) In one word, how would you describe yourself? sad

33) Do you believe/appreciate romance? I've never personally encountered it

35) Do you believe in God? Yes

36) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you? I just did

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Time:

12:56 pm.

There are two things I would love to spend all my time around if it were possible: pretty women and great guitar players. The order may change depending on the time and place, but if I had to choose one I would go with the pretty lady since if not for them, music wouldn't mean as much anyways. The music that I've always liked the most on guitar is blues music. When I was a teenager, I was about the only person in the world who I knew who was really into the blues.(Pretty much all of my interests it seems I have no one to share them with. Lonliness seems to be my destiny.) I was also the only guitar player out of every guitarist I knew who played the blues almost exclusively. My favorite guitar players have always been those who play with a lot of emotion, have great tone, great vibrato, and play clean and controlled. I've never been hugely into the really technical guitarists. I could listen to someone like Steve Vai or someone like him and be blown away for about 15 minutes. However, for me, there's only so much incredible technical abilities I can listen to before I start to get bored with it even though it's always really impressive. On the other hand, I could listen to someone like B.B. King for hours on end and never get bored even though he's not a flashy player. Every now and then, I'll catch some concert on tv where John Mayer or Derick Trucks are playing with Eric Clapton and Buddy Guy. It's very cool because these are guys around my age who were into the same stuff I've been into but unlike me were good enough musically and adequate enough as people to make it. Trucks is actually in Clapton's band now and I think is one of the best slide guitarists I've ever seen. His uncle was the drummer for the Allman Brothers Band. Another guitarist who tours with Clapton is Doyle Bramhall whos dad played drums with Stevie Ray Vaughan.

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Time:

6:07 pm.

Today I turned 24 for the 5th time. I'm actually 28 now, but I effectively dropped out of life and seemingly it me about 4 years ago. If life is like a parade going up the road, 4 years ago things got in my way or built up, and I was too tired and weak to try and get around them so I stepped off the road then and there to just watch it all pass me by from that point. Liz, Brian, and Amy came by yesterday and gave me some really nice gifts. It was the most I've ever gotten for a single birthday. Liz and Brian got me a lot of video games including a PSP of which maybe some day I'll be able to get through all of them. Hopefully by my next 24th birthday I will have at least played through some of them all. Amy got me a beard trimmer, of which was very much needed and much appreciated. Today I got a cake with a single candle on it. I made sure to just blow on the candle. I've mentioned this before, but people eat other people's birthday cake so readily considering someone just blew all over it while blowing out the candles. Most people would be pretty hesitant to eat something another person just blew all over, yet we all eat birthday cake without giving it a second thought. Thanks to everyone for all the nice gifts and comments. It makes watching the parade go by much easier.

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Time:

1:06 am.

It seems like everytime I go to sleep I dream that I'm back in highschool. Not back in time but back in highschool at my age today doing it again. It's always where I've got tests to take that I'm not prepared for or things to get done that I haven't even started on and don't have enough time to do. All the time in the dreams I know that I've already passed through highschool and don't have to do it again, yet I still for some reason feel like I need to do it again. Other times in the dreams I'll be late to get to school and feel like I won't get there on time or I've got a class to go to, but I don't know my schedule so I don't know where to go. In my last dream, I didn't know where my locker was or what the combination was to open it. When I asked the school what the combination and locker was, a girl I used to know back then told me I needed to give them my pin number in order to get that information. However, I didn't know what my pin number was either. Often times I'll be back in highschool with people I went to highschool with even though we're all my age today. While other times I'll be in highschool with people I used to know but never went to highschool with. Often there will be girls I used to know who will ignore me, and I don't say a word to them, but I know they're there and I'm selfconscience and uncomfortable around them. The way that I interpret the dreams is that I feel as though I'm a failure, and I want to go back and do it all again. This time better. In the dreams, everything goes worse than it actually did the first time around. Maybe that's because I'm more inadequate now than I was then.

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Time:

11:55 pm.

As I get older, I find women even more attractive than when I was younger, which is really saying something. It's like I used to see women who I thought were as hot as you could get. Now I find that I have to have an even higher level of hottness for those women while greatly expanding the percentage of women in the category of where there used to only be a small minority. I wonder why that is. I always thought as I got older I would become less preoccupied by such things. For me, it's the opposite. Maybe it has something to do with the realization and uneasy acceptance that I'll be single my entire life. It's like a prison. I suppose a thousand years from now it won't make any difference. Probably much less than that even. Compared to all of eternity, that's not too long. I think I may be walking proof of how much people through history have wanted to be in a relationship with another person. The fact that the messed up genes that produced me were able to survive this long is a testament to desperation. It's people through out history settling for weak and unattractive losers that I owe my existence to.
There are certain college athletic programs that never win. They change coaches, build new and great facilities, and work harder at recruiting than anybody else in the country. Yet they still continue to lose no matter what they do. There is nothing they can do. Great players simply will not play there. Failure is at the very root of the institution. It cannot ever be very successful by its very nature. In that way, people are like athletic programs.

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